Awesome Review

So here's a review from a guy in my Journalism class, Nick Pearl,'s review of Twilight: New Moon where he tore it to shreads. The reason it was not published in the paper because our principal loves censoring us! :D

The beginning is some context from Nick:

This was supposed to go in the school newspaper but was not included due to its content. You be the judge. Pass this along to anyone who has been brainwashed into believing the Twilight movies are actually good, or to anyone whom you think may enjoy reading this.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Before I start this review of Twilight: New Moon I would like to make one point very clear: I did not see the first movie and I did not read any of the books. Perhaps this skews my opinion, perhaps it makes me biased, perhaps I do not care.

After watching this “film” I am now sure that my opinion of all the Twitards* is correct: they are all mindless tweens and man-children who have wasted their parents’ and possibly their loved ones’ time and money on drek that is less a film per se and more a suitable substitute for waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay.

Sitting through this collection of moving pictures (it is not a film) is about as much fun as passing a kidney stone, and only half as rewarding in the end. This is actually an apropos statement since eliminating a kidney stone requires removing solid human waste, three words I would use to describe those involved with the creation of this picture.

The Twilight Saga follows the story of a vampire who may, in fact, just be an emo kid with a bad skin complexion (Robert Pattinson) who falls in love with a mouse-girl (Kristen Stewart). Using a reliable source (Wikipedia) I have summed up the first movie: Mouse-girl moves to live with her father after her mother remarried a minor league baseball player, which either means it is the first time in recorded history a minor league baseball player got any, or, more likely, she lied to escape being included in this movie. Mouse-girl meets Emo kid in biology class when she stops him from cutting himself with a scalpel. Emo kid saves Mouse-girl from other vampire, they fall in love, have black-and-white interspecies babies, and the movie ends at the 121 minute mark, 2 minutes away from the entire universe collapsing into a vacuum from the sheer sucktitude of this picture.

New Moon introduces an actor to the series formerly known for being a Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner), which is appropriate as he has about the acting capacity of a shark, though he is less fun to watch. Against my better judgment I will not reveal the ending or any major plot points of the movie, so as not to evoke the wrath of however many freshman girls have not yet seen this picture. I stress the term “freshman” since I feel these are the only people possibly reading this article that are naïve enough to actually think this is a worthwhile movie, without being completely pathetic. To any adults that may be reading this article I cannot stress this enough: please DO NOT buy the DVD of this picture as a gift to your son or daughter. Might I suggest a suitable alternative, simply take a power drill to his/her ears, it is less painful for all involved. If you do not heed my warnings, you will be out $20 and only have a Twilight DVD/miniature Frisbee to show for it which, frankly, breaks after only a few throws.

To sum up: The Twilight Saga: New Moon, is incredibly slow, too long (130 minutes!), so melodramatic it feels like I am watching a soap opera, and does not even deliver a profound or noble message. Basically all the “film” tries to prove is that teenage girls are incredibly stupid and are constantly getting themselves into bad situations that they need to be rescued from and that girls will only like the dangerous bad boys, no matter how often they are almost killed because of it. It goes without saying, but I award this movie 0 stars out of 5, and may God have mercy on your soul.

*Twitard is a portmanteau of Twilight and retard. Let it be known that I am not making fun of actual mentally challenged people but am instead referring to the dictionary definition of the word re-tard [ree-tahrd] –noun, a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way. I feel this is the best way to describe someone who actually enjoyed this film, although I do realize they are probably less worried about the ramblings of an 18-year old high school newspaper movie reviewer and more worried about staying inside the lines while coloring.

And who says theatre is for pansies???

So recently I've been getting more injuries since I started 42nd Street. People claim theater is for pansies. Well here is some proof against that:

This goregous bruise is from running into a prop while trying to get my group onto the right side of the stage on time

This one below is all thanks to Godspell when I ran into the corner of a prop during the act one finale and I had to dance and sing meanwhile I'm mentally screaming like Jonah Hill:

So if any of you meet me don't say theater is for pansies.

Random Post

So out of no where I decided to post one of the short stories I wrote for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write your perspective only as your opposite gender. So here it is...

I feel like she knows that this thing between us is on it’s last leg. It all started when we made this “official”. The most messed up part was that it was my idea. I wanted to cause I really cared for her that and she was laid back, the least jealous people I knew, and she never wanted to change me.

But now that we put a stupid label on it she’s acting like the bizzaro version of herself. I mean I can’t talk to my friends who happen to be girls without her walking up to me and was marking up her on my pale white skin.

Also since we made it official she wants to go on “real dates” even though before she always said that they were an unnecessary waste of college money. But now she wants me to take her to nice, code for expensive, restaurants.

That could all be fixable but the final nail in their relationship’s coffin is that she asked me, “So other than that stupid film school idea, what are you’re plans for college?” Then I even shocked myself when I said, “We’re done.” And then we began screaming at each other. It stings the most when she says that I never really cared. She says it because she knows it’s a lie.

People always wonder why I’m usually single. Well this is the best way to explain it is like this. My heart is like a very rare, and very fragile glass sculpture. One tiny crack and it will shatter. And it takes a long time to gather up the money to get a new one.

Please be nice :)

What's going on with the mysterious Kelly Jo....

I don't really mention on twitter, or the other social networks I participate in, the full extent of what's going on with me. But, I feel I should let you, the people who unintentionally have helped keep me sane (well my version of sane) over the past year and a half.

Before I continue I want to say I know many have it much worse than me and I very grateful for the life that I have.

Over the past few years my life has been through many twists and turns. Some of them are some of the best things that could ever happen to me like, finding this amazing community that has gotten me through some of the most difficult days of my life. Some of the others were the polar opposite of that.

So the reason I have decided to talk about this out of nowhere is because I am temporarily moving out of the home I have known for almost 13 years now to live with my Dad. Although it seems from just reading this it probably sounds pretty bad but, without getting into the dirty details I'll just say, my mom and I have been having a lot of problems for a long in the end this is going to be what's best for my relationship with my Mom.

Okay so that's what's going on I just wanted to be able to let you guys know what's going on with me because I maybe a little off for the next few days and I just wanted you to know why.

Okay so now that's over and done with here's a clip from the movie that I'm going to kick ass Team Junkyard's ass in: