So here's a review from a guy in my Journalism class, Nick Pearl,'s review of Twilight: New Moon where he tore it to shreads. The reason it was not published in the paper because our principal loves censoring us! :D
The beginning is some context from Nick:This was supposed to go in the school newspaper but was not included due to its content. You be the judge. Pass this along to anyone who has been brainwashed into believing the Twilight movies are actually good, or to anyone whom you think may enjoy reading this.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Before I start this review of Twilight: New Moon I would like to make one point very clear: I did not see the first movie and I did not read any of the books. Perhaps this skews my opinion, perhaps it makes me biased, perhaps I do not care.
After watching this “film” I am now sure that my opinion of all the Twitards* is correct: they are all mindless tweens and man-children who have wasted their parents’ and possibly their loved ones’ time and money on drek that is less a film per se and more a suitable substitute for waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay.
Sitting through this collection of moving pictures (it is not a film) is about as much fun as passing a kidney stone, and only half as rewarding in the end. This is actually an apropos statement since eliminating a kidney stone requires removing solid human waste, three words I would use to describe those involved with the creation of this picture.
The Twilight Saga follows the story of a vampire who may, in fact, just be an emo kid with a bad skin complexion (Robert Pattinson) who falls in love with a mouse-girl (Kristen Stewart). Using a reliable source (Wikipedia) I have summed up the first movie: Mouse-girl moves to live with her father after her mother remarried a minor league baseball player, which either means it is the first time in recorded history a minor league baseball player got any, or, more likely, she lied to escape being included in this movie. Mouse-girl meets Emo kid in biology class when she stops him from cutting himself with a scalpel. Emo kid saves Mouse-girl from other vampire, they fall in love, have black-and-white interspecies babies, and the movie ends at the 121 minute mark, 2 minutes away from the entire universe collapsing into a vacuum from the sheer sucktitude of this picture.
New Moon introduces an actor to the series formerly known for being a Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner), which is appropriate as he has about the acting capacity of a shark, though he is less fun to watch. Against my better judgment I will not reveal the ending or any major plot points of the movie, so as not to evoke the wrath of however many freshman girls have not yet seen this picture. I stress the term “freshman” since I feel these are the only people possibly reading this article that are naïve enough to actually think this is a worthwhile movie, without being completely pathetic. To any adults that may be reading this article I cannot stress this enough: please DO NOT buy the DVD of this picture as a gift to your son or daughter. Might I suggest a suitable alternative, simply take a power drill to his/her ears, it is less painful for all involved. If you do not heed my warnings, you will be out $20 and only have a Twilight DVD/miniature Frisbee to show for it which, frankly, breaks after only a few throws.
To sum up: The Twilight Saga: New Moon, is incredibly slow, too long (130 minutes!), so melodramatic it feels like I am watching a soap opera, and does not even deliver a profound or noble message. Basically all the “film” tries to prove is that teenage girls are incredibly stupid and are constantly getting themselves into bad situations that they need to be rescued from and that girls will only like the dangerous bad boys, no matter how often they are almost killed because of it. It goes without saying, but I award this movie 0 stars out of 5, and may God have mercy on your soul.
*Twitard is a portmanteau of Twilight and retard. Let it be known that I am not making fun of actual mentally challenged people but am instead referring to the dictionary definition of the word re-tard [ree-tahrd] –noun, a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way. I feel this is the best way to describe someone who actually enjoyed this film, although I do realize they are probably less worried about the ramblings of an 18-year old high school newspaper movie reviewer and more worried about staying inside the lines while coloring.
